Chapter 11

the battle is getting more and more intense. he sees some other soldiers going to battle and they are all getting pumped up to go and it almost makes him want to go along to the battle field but he reminds himself that he has no gun, he is also hungry and thirsty and his body is achy and he is sore and tired. he tries to see which side is winning and he starts to think that if his side loses it will kind of be his fault because of his actions.. he left the line of battle. he starts think also that his army has won a lot and think that he says he wants most of them of them or all of them to be sick and lose but then he puts a huge blame on himself and also makes himself guilty and says he is the worst man alive.
Question: why did he want his fellow soldiers to be ill? i got mixed up in that part.